Am I in love with Japan, or am I in love with the idea of Japan? I am in love with the idea of Japan. I will never have nor experience things if I stay here and remain what I am. One thing is for sure, there is no culture to support and facilitate such whimsical ideas that I have about life here, nor is there a mentality that understands or comprehends the depth and complexity of such notions.
When I left for Japan and L.A. twice, even Turkey, I came to know magic, unlike anything I had known before. Although I knew that something like this magic existed, it was a magic that called to me something I had longed for and had constantly been searching for; although I came close several times, I came up short each time. The magic was the profound sense of freedom that says, "there's nowhere you can be that isn't where your meant to be." If you got on the wrong train, it was the right train because you had nowhere you were supposed to be. Everything that happened was a part of the journey. If you wanted to stay somewhere longer, you did so; if not, you moved; life was as simple as that. A few times, a voice said, turn left or go here, and I did. I have never been disappointed when I have listened and followed the voice or the magic.
The magic of being unscripted allows you to fill the day with your story; you are the main charter and the hero to your own story. You don't have to be anything or anyone; you can sit and let the dream create your future. If you don't think life is scripted, try telling yourself that at 3:30 a.m. as the alarm goes telling you it's time to start the day to another episode of the Misery Beat. When life is unscripted, everything is so much more vibrant, leaving you seeing life as if you saw it for the first time. In those moments when life was unscripted, you could hear the voice in the silence, my voice. Spite living in a landlocked state; I love using surfer analogies, which is most appropriate. "In life, sometimes the surf is up and sometimes the surf is down, but as long as I catch a wave now and then when everything was worth it." You can catch the occasional wave when you hear the voice, but even bigger waves make the hardships and enduring times worth it.
One thing that added to the magic when I did find it was that I was incredibly thankful and happy to be a part of everything. I was genuinely interested in knowing everything I could about everything. Everything wasn't just new to me but left me with more questions about life, myself, and everything I thought I knew. People reacted to that sort of magic, making them feel famous and exciting, leaving them with a profound sense of being. Most people here and now wouldn't even notice if they passed by themselves. If you know the movie Fear in loathing in Las Vegas, you know what I am talking about when Hunter S. Thompson passed by himself in the Matrix, saying, My God, there I am."
We all lose ourselves to the white noise of life and its many tropes at some point or another. Spite attempting to be original unique, and spontaneous, we are ground down until we conform to the M.A.D.ness of the constant churning of reality. Over time we become unsettled in our ways and shrink back from the limelight until we become a faint flicker of light compared to the once brightness at which we shined.
If the poem went, do not go gently into the night, but rage, rage, rage against the dying day; today, the poem would resemble something along the lines of do not try but give in, accept the way things are. Change is not meant for our complacency and conformity to what we are.
I like to think of these tropes that we resign ourselves to as putting our heads into boxes upon boxes. Each box is a different layer of expectation either by nature of the trope or by someone else's expectation. We are many things though out the day and throughout our life. We forget that we are a construct of ideas formed over time; these ideas are defined by what they mean to us and what they mean to other people.
Society hasn't made understanding constructs any easier as in recent times; many have been redefined and reinvented, challenging previously held axioms. People themselves have become jaded towards one another and push one another way.
So, when I take my head out of the box and look around at the world, the same old question comes back to me, where do I fit in, and where do I want to fit in.
Anymore I am plagued with the question, what does it mean to fit in and belong. I was not made to bury my head in the sand and wait to take it out now and then to see and enjoy the sunrise and feel the warmth on my face or the feeling of living life while being a part of it rather than watch it pass by my window. Everyone around me has resigned themselves to this sort of institution-like way of thinking and being, so I think of forming my institution, but ask myself what I have to conform to and become to do so.
All I can do is carve out a small piece of reality to make my own and hope to share it. At this time, the most significant thing I can risk is not taking a chance at all. I plan to dream bigger and make my reality more real until it eventually absorbs other facts and reinvents all things altogether. I am inspired by those who came before me who faced the impossible before me. Everything is impossible until it isn’t.
Every now and then I climb the mountain top and peer out to see the other mountain tops and to gaze down and to say out loud, “the madness is over there,” before climbing back down and getting back into the swing of things.