I started off 2020 by outlining a list of goals and ambitions nothing short of impossible and amazing. From the very beginning, I wanted the new year and the new decade to be the best one yet. The year was off to a great start as I started tackling my list with great earnest. Then seemingly overnight everything changed, like falling off a bicycle and scraping my knees, elbows and taking quite a tumble everything had changed by my own doing.
I was in a quandary of what to do at first, but I knew I just couldn’t sit there and wallow in the pain and suffering that I was experiencing. No, I had to pick myself up and make the best of the situation. At first, I wanted to apologize to everyone around me that I had disappointed them, that I had let them down in some form or manner. In truth, there wasn’t anyone around to apologize to, I was and had been all alone. Then out of now where I felt it. The one I should be apologizing to was me. What I remember telling myself was, “I’m sorry I didn’t do better for us. I’m sorry I allowed things to get this out of hand, and I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you like I should have been. I could have and should have done better and this is what you have to thank me for. I promise that I won’t let it happen again.” Strangely enough, it was a comforting feeling even if it was coming from me. As I picked myself up I knew that I would have much time ahead of me to reflect on this moment and many moments in the days ahead.
There was no reason to continue to berate me over the past, it was after all the past but warranted a few final thoughts and words. My past along with various people in it was a sore subject that often left a bad taste in my mouth. I knew that my life took several tangents because of people and events that took place. Then, that time long ago the only thing I could do was move through the events and time best I could while trying to keep my mind together. In the more recent past, I became the person I needed to be to comfort the person I once was. I forgave many not for their but so that I might move on and not let the emotional baggage of the past weigh me down. The past was apart of me, something that tinted reality in its own distortion of a gray and bizarre haze. Like the ideas and themes and tropes of reading an impactful book many of the themes, ideas and tropes of the past stayed with me regardless of whether I knew it or not, or acknowledged it.
I might have gone on living my life seemingly living in a loop painted in those same undertones if I had not fallen so hard. I would have gone on making excuses thinking that I am getting ahead, making progress and doing something all because of a paycheck, or because I was traveling the world, seemingly doing things others hadn’t. Worse than making excuses was wanting the best in life, and not even giving myself the best I deserved. But like I mentioned before all this changed and came into perspective with that fall.
I had time now to put things like my past and my current situation into perspective. I had time to think and dwell and go in search of answers to questions that had been plaguing me. For all tense and purposes my life just stopped and at that moment my life began. One of the first things that came to mind was the movie The Darjeeling Limited and the unique ways in which the three brothers expressed themselves. My favorite part of the movie is that when the brothers finally found their mother they wanted to all share and express themselves. Instead, they took the time to sit there and project it to one another by simply thinking of the things the wished to say. Together they all shared in that moment of sharing. The last scene is each of them finding what they needed within themselves and as they chased after their departing train they no longer heald on to the metaphorical baggage that they had sought so hard to find in the movie that took on the physical share pf real baggage.
Growing up in I knew a great deal of uncertainty and so I held onto various ideas growing up. Ideas along with other ideas that keep me from growing, and keep me from experiencing life. When I laid down my plans, my hopes, my dreams and ambitions for the new year and decade ahead of me I spoke to the universe and told it exactly what I wanted. Almost as if I had gone out there and placed the obstacle in my life that I would later hit. Only picking myself up this time I didn’t pick up everything that I was once carrying and holding onto. The conversation between Major and the Puppet Master keeps playing over and over in my head.
The puppet master wanting to merge his A.I. with Major to form a synthesis of the two left Major wanting some reassurance that she would remain herself. She was reminded that there wasn’t one. That, “ all things change in a dynamic environment, your efforts to remain what you are is what limits you.” How long would I have held onto outdated or obsolete ideas simply to remain what I was before I broke all together I wondered had events not unfolded as they had? From then I had a choice to make, go back to the crash and pick up right where I left up some time ago as if nothing ever happened or abandon it altogether and make for a new life.
I knew that nothing from the past was going to help me in making for a new life and to further my dreams and ambitions. Aside from falling, I had regrets from the past as well, regrets that I take responsibility for, but regrets that always left me wondering about myself, my actions and my path in life. There was a reality that was happening and unfolding and transpiring and I wasn’t apart of the happenings and events. Nor was I seeing the reality I hoped and long for manifest before my eyes. In some ways, I already knew the answers but I know it was more than meet the eye.
Going back to the wreck I knew the answer in how to go backward, but going forward nothing from the past was going to help me move forward and so I had to call upon new ideas that we’re speaking to me. Some of the answers were obvious and others not so much so. What I was calling for was a personal revolution, whatever wasn’t working had to go, whether they were ideas, people, places, or anything that might keep me from reaching that reality. There was a new fire that had been light within me, one of passion and excitement. I was free to paint my future in the awesome and vibrant colors that I knew of.
I knew that in my heart that there were events that didn’t turn out the way I had hoped them to, and there were people in my life that I seemingly didn’t want to say goodbye to, and so I never really did. Now I tell myself the way to rewrite reality is to dream a dream so grand, so magnificent so awe-inspiring that it redefines everything. When I think of looking at life in this manner it’s no wonder I fell as I did. To undertake such movement would require a force greater than me to rearrange the heavens and the universe. This action would mean life as I knew it and had known it would change in dramatic ways as well.
I realized that the way in creating that reality was much how I created my reality in the first place, the events that led up to these moments now, by speaking seeing them into reality with belief and faith. I say this not as some mad man but as a realist. I know that we as humans only see and hear only a fraction of the visual and audible world. That our understanding is so limited by what we believe we and think we can perceive. I know too we can believe ourselves into any state we wish. I know this, or at least for me I know based on the ten ideas of knowing “a truth.” As for faith often we do things in good faith, the willing act of doing something before having received as if we have received.
The spiritual part of the journey is to not try and make sense of the bigger picture nor is it to judge but to find beauty peace and happiness in everything, that I am, that others are and that the world is. And, like all of my trips I have always gone with the moment and what felt right listening to that voice inside of me, arriving exactly where I needed to be at the right time.
When my friend from Asia called me up and was saddened that she wouldn’t be able to see me in March I couldn’t but feel a bit frustrated and upset. That was a fleeting thought and instead, I told myself that the time is irreverent. The ideas I seek to know and be will take time, and that this is not the right moment. That by following a path of greater beliefe and thought abstract of time I will arrive when I need to arrive, here there and everywhere.
Of course, there is the physical aspect of my dreams and plans. To lose weight, of course, I will be continuing with dieting, and exercise with the goal of not only getting down two my optimum weight, but I was inspired to do something else. I was inspired to do yoga, maybe not ever move in the book but I would like to do a few specific moves simply because it would be the crowning achievement in working out and obtaining physical and mental balance.
Of course, I will have to put in the time and effort to learn and do new things that I feel will best serve me in this journey, things like learning a new foreign language, and committing other things to memory.
This is the time that I give myself the best, my ideas my best, my passions, my family, my loved ones and those who believe in me.
What a great time we live in when I can greet the new day with enthusiasm and happiness knowing that I have a mind full of wonderful ideas and dreams, a body that I can use to manifest them in a reality of the tangible world, and wonderful people to share that dream and ideas with. Along the way, I look forward to learning and to be apart of other people’s beautiful lives journies all while discovering treasures along the way I never imagined. My hope is to bring them as much happiness as they bring me, that I might be there for them in their time of need and offer them a new way of seeing the world, even if it is just that a new way of seeing the world by seeing my travels and happenings.
The goal of change that I actively seek to know and take up the challenge is to:
Make the Artistic Abstract Adjective Beat Movement into the flagship of artistic movements of the world.
To learn foreign languages notable German and Japanese
To become physically fit getting down to an optimal weight so that I might perform several signature yoga moves and various physical exercises
To go back to school and work on obtaining my degree in accounting to become a CPA
To share life and artistic experiences with some close friends and aquatics
To become finically independent
To travel back to Japan, and Germany
To begin a new phase of my life where the dreams are no longer dreamed but made each day by taking action and actively working towards that and those goals.
Today I put that all into perspective